The beginning of a relationship is an exciting time — the late-night talks, the sweet text messages, the thrill of seeing your phone light up with his name. You’re constantly learning new things about this new person who has the potential to become a huge part of your life. It’s fun, joyful, and full of anticipation, but it can also be a time of over-analyzing, nervousness, and stress. There’s a fine line in dating between either taking it too seriously too fast or remaining in the “talking” stage for far too long.
At its heart, dating isn’t just about having fun (though that’s a huge part of it) — it’s also about discovering whether this person could one day be your spouse and partner in a lifelong mission. So it’s worth looking beyond the butterflies and asking: does this relationship bring out the best in both of you?
Whichever camp you find yourself in, take a step back and take a deep breath. Dating is fun! Meeting a new person and getting to know them is fun! Let other people in your life into the process and let them help you discern! Trust your gut about whether to move forward in the relationship or take a step back; your intuition is smarter than you give it credit for.
While I’m a big fan of trusting your gut, sometimes your feelings can muddy the waters and a not-so-great guy can seem amazing through your rose-colored glasses. So here are some green lights and good signs to look for in a guy at the beginning of a relationship:
He’s clear about intentions
You should never be confused about his feelings for you at the beginning of a relationship. A good man will be forward with his intentions and communicate openly and honestly as things progress. This isn’t a time to be reading into every little thing he does, trying to figure out if he likes you or if this one thing he said actually means something else. Take his word for what it is (and if there aren’t clear intentions, it’s probably not a green light).
Takes initiative and follows through
You should feel pursued. A good man should take initiative to see you, have good meaningful conversations, and follow through with plans. It should never be a guessing game about whether the plans will actually come to fruition.
Has a good relationship with family and friends
How a man treats the people he’s close to is a perfect indicator of how he’ll treat you. If he’s rude to his family, badmouths people, or just doesn’t treat others with respect, there’s nothing that’ll change with you, sister. If he has a good relationship with his family and friends, this is a clear green light — especially if his friends include a faith community and/or a spiritual mentor.
Regulates emotions well
A good, mature man should know how to regulate his emotions. This means not being too hot-tempered but also not pushing things down. He should be able to communicate his emotions in an even-keeled way.
Not only respects your boundaries, but also shares them
Respecting boundaries is a good thing, but sharing boundaries is even better. If a man simply respects your boundaries, in a moment of weakness on your part, he might be okay with crossing that boundary. But if he shares those boundaries, then there are two people in the relationship seeking to uphold that boundary out of respect and love for themselves and each other.
Handles disagreements with humility
Nobody is ever right all the time (even though we girls would like to say we are). When disagreements inevitably happen, a good man should have the humility to step back and admit he’s wrong (and you should too).
Lives out his faith
A good man should have a consistent prayer life, regularly participate in the Sacraments, and talk about how you can grow in the faith together. He should be excited to grow in virtue together and always strive to have deeper intimacy with Christ.
Encourages you
A good man should encourage you in your hopes and dreams. He should get excited about things that excite you. He should encourage you to spend time with your female friends and not be threatened by that time apart. He should show interest in your hobbies. Overall, he should be a cheerleader for all your dreams.
The list goes on: More “green lights”
Because the list of green lights could go on forever, here’s a (non-comprehensive) list of rapidfire green lights to look for:
Kind to strangers
Doesn’t bad-mouth ex-girlfriends
Patient
You like his family
Willing to do things just because he gets to spend time with you
Prioritizes your family, not just his own
Remembers the little things
Can keep his living space clean
If you’re not sure whether you’re seeing the green lights clearly, invite trusted friends, family, or a spiritual mentor to weigh in. The people who love you can often see things you can’t. And they want what’s best for you.
At the end of the day, the characteristics you look for in a man will be different from what your best friend looks for. That doesn’t mean one is better than the other, but there are some basics to living a life of virtue.
Green lights don’t always mean “GO”
Don’t forget that someone might be an amazing man on paper but still not the right man for you. And that’s okay. I’ve seen too many of my friends date someone because he’s good on paper, but they don’t actually have romantic feelings toward him (it sounds silly, but it happens). If a man is good and virtuous, yet you still don’t feel attracted to him, don’t feel guilty about it.
Stay rooted in your values, keep your eyes open for these green lights, and never forget: dating should feel like freedom, not confusion. The right relationship won’t make you guess. It will help you become more of who God made you to be.
