Emily is not real. I want to tell you a story about her, nonetheless because some of us will recognize ourselves or the women we love in Emily.
Meet Emily
When it came to guys she met, Emily never made it past the initial date.
That was until she met Leo.
He was charming – funny, warm, and genuinely interested in getting to know her. Emily found herself laughing in a way she hadn’t in a while.
The next day, Leo texted her, and from there, things started to pick up. They went on a few casual dates, grabbing coffee or going for long walks in the park. It was easy. Comfortable.
After the third date, Emily asked Leo, “Where do you see this going?”
Leo said in response, laughing, “Let’s just enjoy the time we’re spending together.”
Emily brushed past this comment.
Besides, he showed her how much he liked her. Leo consistently texted, took her on dates, told her how beautiful she was, and planned on introducing her to his friends. They had kissed already, multiple times. Emily thought after meeting his friends, he would ask her to be his girlfriend.
He never did.
Meet the Situationship
Fast forward, Leo and Emily had been seeing one another for four months now. She wasn’t someone who liked to rush things, but this was different. Yet, Emily could never be sure if Leo wanted the same. And it frustrated her to no end.
Emily’s friends noticed the change in her – she’d smile less often and her eyes would flicker with confusion when they mentioned Leo. They asked, “So, what are you two?”
Emily would laugh softly, awkwardly, trying to brush the question off. Her chest tightened. She didn’t know what they were.
Each day, Emily found herself on a rollercoaster of emotions. One moment, she’d feel elated, basking in the warmth of his attention. The next day, her doubts would resurface. “Is it supposed to be like this? Am I supposed to want more? Why is enjoying one another not enough? How am I supposed to continue getting to know him without a label?”
Leo texted her one night: "Had a great time as always :) Sleep well!"
It wasn’t a bad message. It wasn’t a cold message. But Emily wanted more. She just wasn’t sure how to ask for it without sounding needy or demanding.
Leo continued to text and call Emily, but he hadn’t made plans for a date in a week. He kept canceling. Four days passed, then Leo asked her out to dinner.
Emily was excited at the thought of seeing Leo, but also felt used. Leo was usually so responsive. Emily questioned why she was always the one who was at his beck and call. Leo’s name lit up her phone again. Emily caught herself smiling because having his attention was better than having none at all.
As Leo walked Emily back to her car, she finally gathered the courage to ask, “Leo, what are we doing here?”
He paused, his expression softening. “I really like you, Em. I have a good feeling about this.”
"Okay," Emily said, trying to keep her voice steady. "I want… I need to know if this is leading somewhere."
Emily wanted to know that the time and energy she invested in Leo wasn’t being wasted. In her mind, he treated her like a girlfriend, but couldn’t commit, or rather wouldn’t.
The uncertainty wasn’t just about Leo – it was about her own heart, her own worth. Did she have to fight for someone to see her, or could she be able to simply be loved for who she was?
The thought crossed Emily’s mind that maybe Leo wanted to see other people… or already had been.
“I can’t be your boyfriend, not yet,” Leo continued, this time clearing his throat. “I’m just not there.”
His honesty stung even though Emily had known the truth in her gut for a while.
Leo reached for her, his touch gentle, but it didn’t feel like enough. It never felt like enough.
What even is a situationship?
Emily found herself in a romantic relationship with emotional and physical ties without clear commitment or boundaries. She often felt feelings of doubt, insecurity, confusion, and even stress over Leo.
Welcome to a situationship.
Leo exhibited all the telltale signs of a situationship. While Emily treated her relationship with Leo as exclusive, it was unclear whether he did the same. In situationships, the open label and lack of exclusivity allow one of the partners to continue to create intimate connections with others.
This is different from rotational dating, because both Emily and Leo never confronted their goals for each date. Rotational dating the right way involves clear communication about one's intentions, limited emotional investment if you aren’t exclusive, and respect. What Emily and Leo have is rotational dating gone wrong.
Leo refused to put a label on their relationship and avoided talking about commitment. Towards the end, Leo only texted when it was convenient for him and never made long-term or future plans with Emily.
There are a variety of possibilities for why Leo continued to text, call, and initiate things with Emily. Perhaps Leo has an avoidant attachment style where he fears commitment due to potential wounds of abandonment, never getting his own emotional needs met, or fear of being cheated on. Another possibility is that Leo struggles with sloth: He enjoys the attention he receives from Emily without having to reciprocate proportionally.
Why situationships hurt more than breakups
In most situationships, women are emotionally manipulated through mixed signals into offering companionship, emotional support, and even physical intimacy typically reserved for a committed relationship – while still being considered “single.”
When Emily tried to build a deeper emotional connection and talk about commitment, Leo consistently ignored her priorities, especially around communication. This dynamic worked perfectly for Leo: he got to enjoy Emily’s time, attention, and affection without ever having to actually commit. Emily, on the other hand, found herself compromising her wants and needs just to keep Leo in her life.
The person doing the emotional manipulation (in this case, Leo) usually gets the benefits of a relationship without any of the responsibility. In situationships, women often aren’t emotionally protected. Leo wasn’t considering Emily’s needs; he was focused on fulfilling his own – through her. As a result, Emily’s needs were neglected, leaving her stressed, confused, and ashamed. At its core, a situationship is using another person as a means to an end.
One of the most addictive and toxic aspects of a situationship is the ambiguity. The person who wants commitment convinces themselves that their “partner” will eventually come around. Emily clung to the hope that Leo would recognize how great she was and, one day, commit. She focused on the dream of future validation, ignoring the very real signs that he wasn’t interested in showing up differently. It’s the classic “I can change him” trope – falling in love with potential rather than the reality in front of you.
Often, women get stuck in a state of limerence because one partner (usually the emotionally unavailable one) avoids building trust or moving toward real commitment. Limerence is that intense infatuation where you're more obsessed with the feeling of being in love than with the actual person. Emily might’ve been more in love with the idea of a relationship with Leo than with Leo himself. Over time, she began to doubt herself, suppress her needs, and let her boundaries fade. Eventually, she compromised not just her expectations, but her sense of self-worth.
This situationship, in particular, thrived because Emily allowed it to. She tolerated Leo’s behavior, rationalized both of their actions, and forgot her own inherent dignity. She lowered her standards just to feel loved and desired when, in reality, Emily was already enough as she was. Leo should’ve either committed or, at the very least, been honest before things went too far.
The less avoidant person in a situationship – Emily in this case – is often left second-guessing everything once it ends. It feels like a breakup, but without the closure. And because situationships are rarely clearly defined, the door tends to stay cracked open. Emily might still follow Leo on social media or keep his number saved, leaving the door open for Leo to pop back in whenever he chooses. And as long as that hope lingers, it’ll be harder for Emily to truly move on.
Breaking the pattern: Avoiding the situationship
A recent poll showed half of 18 to 34-year-olds experienced a situationship. You are not alone.
We need to encourage women to block the guy, take him off their socials, and move on. This isn’t easy. Inevitably, good memories will resurface, anger and denial will come, because the longing for relationship and intimacy is real.
However, by remaining in one, women are not respecting themselves, and forgetting that, frankly, their “partner” doesn’t respect them either.
How to break up with someone you never dated
1. Detach from the relationship
If Emily wants to move on from Leo, she needs to create distance. That might mean deleting his number, unfollowing or unfriending him on social media, or removing reminders of him. If they share mutual friends or frequently cross paths, she can still protect her emotional space by limiting vulnerability in their interactions.
2. Acknowledge the relationship for what it was
Even though the relationship wasn’t “official,” Emily’s feelings were real. The emotional intimacy she experienced matters, and it’s okay to grieve both the connection and the future she hoped for. Letting go of what could have been is just as important as letting go of what actually was.
3. Be patient with yourself
There’s no one-size-fits-all timeline for healing. Emily should give herself grace and compassion. This experience, however painful, can still be a chance for growth, self-discovery, and learning what she truly wants moving forward.
4. Focus on what brings you joy
When the spiral of overthinking kicks in, Emily can gently redirect her energy toward things that light her up: trying that new coffee spot, getting some fresh air, or reconnecting with a favorite hobby. If she misses something specific about Leo, like how attentively he listened, she can embody that trait herself – offering that same care and attentiveness to others or even to herself.
5. Recognize what you’ve learned
Chances are, Emily walked away with valuable insights – about dating, her boundaries, or herself. Reflecting on these lessons helps her feel more grounded and prepares her for healthier, more aligned connections in the future. This is a great time to rediscover what she loves, lean into new interests, and reconnect with her sense of self.
Final thoughts
Healing from a situationship isn’t about pretending it didn’t matter – it’s about honoring your emotions and choosing honesty, again and again. By creating space, reflecting on what you’ve learned, and reconnecting with healthy relationships, you reclaim your sanity, self-worth, and joy.
The goal isn’t to forget the experience, but to grow from it. You deserve a love that’s clear, mutual, and committed – and it starts with being honest with yourself.
