Talking about your sexual history in relationships can feel terrifying, but honesty in dating, especially when it comes to disclosing past mistakes, is essential to building trust and long-term intimacy.
Of the many difficult conversations couples face in their relationship, those about sexual history, wounds, and needs can be some of the most trying. When sexual brokenness—whether from pornography use, hookups, sexual trauma, or other experiences—has shaped our story, the weight of these conversations often tempts us to avoid them entirely.
I’ve heard a lot of advice on how to navigate these conversations—including when, and, confusingly, whether or not to have them at all. Just recently, someone told me that too many sexual addiction recovery programs “encourage you to tell your spouse,” which they felt was “just too much.” I’ve also known people who were told in confession that they didn’t need to disclose an affair or other grave infidelity to their spouse. Even in dating relationships, I’ve spoken with many young people who feel overwhelmed by a partner’s sudden disclosure of sexual history, or terrified to share their own. In this brief piece, I want to clarify not just how to talk with a significant other or spouse about your sexual history or current struggles, but why you should.
The best disinfectant is sunlight
Sexuality is an inherently sacred part of being human, which makes it a place of deep tenderness and vulnerability. Because of this, the joys we experience in sexuality can feel especially powerful, but so can the pain and brokenness. We know we’re meant to be at peace with this part of ourselves and to see it serve the good. For most of us, that’s a long journey.
When we hide our sexual history in relationships, we hold back a necessary part of our path toward sexual integrity. In a committed relationship, our pursuit of integrity becomes bound up with the other person’s. While we remain responsible for ourselves, our choices—for good or ill—affect them, just as theirs affect us. This dynamic deepens in marriage, where our journeys intertwine and become one. Your sexual virtue and brokenness inevitably affect your spouse, and vice versa.
That’s why it’s essential to your growth as a couple that you both understand the past mistakes that may still affect your relationship. If you're struggling with unwanted sexual behavior, honesty becomes even more important—hiding it will only deepen the betrayal. More broadly, honesty about both past and present behavior is necessary because trust must be the foundation of your relationship.
A friend of mine often repeats the saying, “The best disinfectant is sunlight.” The more we hide our sexual brokenness—past or present—the more it festers and damages our relationships, potentially to the point of destruction. But when we expose our secrets to the people we trust, however painful it feels in the moment, we strip shame of its power.
How to have the conversation
Your relationship’s status shapes the nature of the conversation you need to have. A dating relationship requires fewer details and comes with fewer obligations than marriage does. If you’re scared to bring up sexual history with your partner, or unsure if you should, start by evaluating your level of commitment.
In a newer relationship, you can keep the conversation brief. Though it may feel awkward, the early months of dating are actually a great time to build a pattern of honesty around sexuality. If you have a history of unwanted sexual behavior or trauma, offer a simple overview. Focus on your current commitment to sexual integrity. You might say something like:
“I just want to be transparent with you as we deepen this relationship. I struggled with pornography for about a decade and have been consistently sober for two years. I’ve made a lot of mistakes in the past, but it’s a priority for me to set healthy boundaries in our physical relationship. I’d love to hear your thoughts and feelings about this.”
This kind of conversation can be honest without being overwhelming.
If you’re engaged, it’s more important to share specific details about your history and how it still affects you. Thorough conversations about past sexual relationships, the length of unwanted behavior, and other key issues—while extremely difficult—help both of you enter marriage with full knowledge. If these conversations feel intimidating, invite a therapist or spiritual director to help guide them. Even if you haven’t been as honest as you wish you’d been, you can still emphasize that you’re having the conversation now to lay the foundation for a faithful, trusting marriage.
The same principles apply in marriage. If you’ve withheld key information about your sexual history or are currently struggling with behavior outside the marriage, a professional counselor or trusted spiritual guide can help you navigate those conversations. They can also support you as you work to repair the rupture caused by betrayal.
If you’re in an unsafe relationship, seek professional help before disclosing sensitive information. A trained guide can help you assess whether disclosure is appropriate and how best to protect your well-being. But in a healthy relationship, bringing your sexual history into the light, while painful in the moment, will help build a strong, trustworthy foundation for the relationship you truly long for.
You can open up this difficult, complicated part of your story to your spouse, and you should.
