When it comes to Christian sex education, faith and sexuality, and how to talk about sex with friends, many women feel stuck between awkward silence and too-much-information overload. In a world that swings between cringe oversharing and total avoidance, Christian women are finding a better way: candid, respectful, soul-centered conversations. Here’s how to speak up with wisdom, keep your boundaries, and bring light to a subject often kept in the dark.
Over a year ago, I had the honor of contributing to a video series aimed at filling in the gaps of sex education among women. Those who watched the course also had the opportunity to be in group chat discussions with other participants to ask questions and share insights. I found the conversation intriguing and enlightening, especially as a contributor to the course. Women from all walks of life have so many questions about sex and sexuality that often go unanswered—when given a safe space to ask and share, a lot can be unearthed.
Sexuality and sexual experience are complicated topics, often loaded with confusion, excitement, pain, and even trauma. Talking about sex among one’s friends can be uncomfortable, given all these categories of vulnerability. But, as I often find in my work, if friends can create room for safe and respectful conversations about sex, that vulnerability can bear amazing fruit.
It’s important to acknowledge that many of us are uncomfortable talking about sex, even with trusted friends, because we weren’t given a model of how to speak about it in our upbringing. If our sex education was limited, nonexistent, or had undertones of needing to be “secretive” or “reserved,” we may find it difficult to open up about it now. If sexuality has also been a place of trauma, violation, or shame for us, that also can make it incredibly challenging to talk about. We may also have concerns about respecting our own and others’ privacy, and worry that if we ask questions or share about our experiences, we’re doing something wrong.
Yes, we can talk about sex in a respectful, helpful, and safe way, even with all these dynamics.
Find trusted people
Sexuality and, if one is married, sex life shouldn’t be spoken about with just anyone. Instead, we can open up to women whom we know are safe and share our relational and moral lenses. For a conversation about sex to be productive and truly helpful, having a similar foundation of what sex is for is fundamental. If you’re speaking with someone who treats sex casually, you may not get the answers or support you’re looking for.
It’s also important to respect others’ boundaries, especially when sharing advice. I witness this at a lot of bachelorette parties: sex advice gets heaped on the bride, without her even asking for it. While you can kindly offer to have a conversation if a friend needs it or has any questions, giving unsolicited (or group) advice in the areas of sex and sexuality can be potentially violating, however well-intentioned.
Be honest about your questions and experiences
While some details or questions should only be processed between spouses or, if needed, in the privacy of counseling, being honest about your experiences, insights, and questions with friends is important. Our faith has a high regard for the sacredness of sex, and this sometimes tempts us to sugarcoat how it’s playing out in our personal lives.
We can be honest about the positive and negative in our experiences, as well as the things we’ve learned, or the things we want to know. We can ask each other clear, direct questions with respect for the other person’s privacy if our true aim is wisdom.
Don’t speak for others
It’s a valid concern that talking about sex might be disrespectful to one’s spouse, but we can be reverent towards our relationships while still being honest. The key is to talk about our own experiences, not share others’ experiences for them. When talking with a close friend about sexuality or one’s sex life, keep the details to your personal emotions, experiences, or questions, rather than disclosing the private experiences of your spouse.
This rule of thumb changes, however, if you’re in need of help—if you’re being treated with disrespect, being harmed, or experiencing sexual betrayal, you can disclose any necessary details to someone you trust.
Keep it light, but take it seriously
Much of the discourse around sex, particularly in the online world, is saturated with degrading language and guidance based on use, not love. Even in some faith-based spaces and resources, a well-intentioned effort to undo some of the discomfort or shaming around sex turns into oversharing or even borderline pornographic details. There’s a balance to be struck between frigid avoidance and crass oversharing.
Sex and sexuality in general are complex parts of people’s lives, but they can also be places of joy and lightheartedness. In our conversations with trusted friends, we can strike a balance of treating sex as something sacred and serious, while also encouraging levity and positivity in one another. Particularly when we’re talking about sex in a loving marriage, joy and fun should be a part of it—we can acknowledge and encourage this in our conversations without becoming crass.
We were meant to seek wisdom in our communities and friendships, and the realm of sex is no exception. Women have important questions and insights to offer one another if we create the space for it to happen. We can be both honest and reverent, encouraging each other in the virtue that we’re all seeking.
